Lonely and Sad

Published December 9th, 2008

When we feel strongly about something and know others who also feel the same way, we seem to instinctively fall into a tribal mentality - we instantly divide the world into “Us” and “Them” and throw reason out the window. This is partisanship on a grander scale. It is also borne of such deep rooted passion that people are driven to irrational madness if it goes too far. When each side circles the wagons it becomes impossible for any meaningful communication between them. The tribes become so insular that there’s no external reasoning to convert them or compromise.

This sort of tribalism is coming to the forefront in the same-sex marriage debate. Lines are being drawn and people are being forced to choose a side - Prop 8 shows that. There is no apathy. There is no argument of “just following orders” if perhaps you run a gay-friendly restaurant but donated to the Yes on 8 campaign at the behest of your church leaders. The middle ground is unacceptable, it’s like standing in the no-man’s land between the trenches in the Somme in 1916. It is a wasteland and no one trusts you.

And so again the problem is, literally, starting to look like the Somme - both sides are entrenching. The battle WILL be fought and it will not be pretty. God help those in the middle, because you will be forced to choose a side. Neither side has any common ground with the other - and that is a huge problem. No solution will be acceptable except absolute victory.

I understand all this, this passionate feeling. My views on the issue are very strong as well, I’m as guilty of tribalism as anyone. The majority of arguments (and not all, I understand that) are against same-sex marriage are based in religion. The majority of arguments in favor of (again, not all) are based in legality and secularism. And that is why no one from the other side can convince me - because I reject their religious premise. And I cannot convince a single person of the other viewpoint, because they refuse to discard their religious basis. It is an impasse, a stalemate.

So what can be done? The only way to convince anyone of anything different, at this point, is to come at them from within their own tribe. You must accept the base of the argument and then use that to present an alternative view. This is difficult. It is impossible for me to do - I can’t argue convincingly from within a religious Christian context. I’d be a fraud. Just as no fundamentalist can come at me from a legalistic argument, since theirs often begins with the “Christian nation” statement - I’m immediately out.

So today I was happy to read Lisa Miller’s cover story in Newsweek - Our Mutual Joy. I would have been more excited if it was written by a clergy member of some sort - someone from directly within the tribe - but this will have to do. Lisa Miller has been the religion editor of Newsweek since 2006 and has tackled a great many controversies from internal viewpoints. She presents an excellent argument supporting same-sex marriage from within a biblical context. I won’t comment much on it - since I’m obviously strongly biased for her conclusion but against the supporting premise (that the bible has any bearing on this argument whatsoever with respect to legality). But this is the only way to attempt to talk to those against same-sex marriage - from within their own context. I just wanted to include what I consider one of the most fair minded statements I’ve heard from a religious clergy member on this issue:

My friend the priest James Martin says his favorite Scripture relating to the question of homosexuality is Psalm 139, a song that praises the beauty and imperfection in all of us and that glorifies God’s knowledge of our most secret selves: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” And then he adds that in his heart he believes that if Jesus were alive today, he would reach out especially to the gays and lesbians among us, for “Jesus does not want people to be lonely and sad.”

Damn right. Because that’s the whole reason we get so entrenched in a tribal mentality in the first place - who the hell wants to be lonely and sad? And why on earth would you wish that upon any decent person? There isn’t much that hurts more than wholesale rejection and exclusion. Jesus knew it. We know it. We should all remember that as best we can.

If anyone has examples of strong arguments against same-sex marriage, but from a secular and religiously-neutral or absent viewpoint, I’d be happy to read it and think about it. That would be arguing against me using my own reasoning base. And that’s the only chance of convincing me to change my mind. But I think it will be tough - because you’ll have to explain to me how it is a fair and decent thing to make an entire group of people feel lonely and sad.

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