What on earth do you expect to hear?

Published August 7th, 2008

Of late (like, the past 2 months) the flow of responses I’ve garnered on Match has gone from a trickle to nothing at all. Apparently, I’m not really a match for anyone on the site. Hooray! Not one to give up (hah, just means I’m a glutton for punishment) I’ve moved to Chemistry to see if I can find anyone there. The system there is sort of like eHarmony, the difference being you don’t have to be religious and straight - they’ll accept you for who you are and match you accordingly. (eHarmony claims it’s matching “technology” only applies to upbeat, puppies and sunshine people of faith who are straight)

So far I’ve gotten to the “short answer” stage with two different individuals, which I don’t consider significant as yet. That’s not what I’m discussing here. During this stage, you get to choose 2 questions from a list - or ask 2 of your own - for the other person to answer in 1000 characters or less. I had to answer 2 questions that I really dislike, for similar reasons even.

The first question is a stock question: “What are your guilty pleasures?”

OK. OK. What the hell. If you’ve ever asked this of a potential mate, I want to know - what the hell do you expect as the answer? What could they possibly say that gives you any positive insight whatsoever of them? First off, I take the question at face value - a pleasure you feel guilty of. That should not mean ice cream or cookies - you shouldn’t feel guilty about having something tasty. You should feel guilty if that’s all you eat. Ever. But dessert? Come on. If you’re concerned about your weight, as an adult you should know what to do to avoid the consequences. No guilt there then. If you’re not, then what the hell are you guilty about?

Basically the only things people really have as guilty pleasures - true guilty pleasures - are probably things they’re not going to admit to a complete stranger. “Hookers and blow” is going not going to get a positive response. So either you’re expecting a generic, ridiculous answer like “I really love a double-double at least once a week” or you’re going to end up with an answer like “Necrophilia and cupcakes, though only rarely at the same time.” So really, I suppose, this is a trick question. Either you’re normal, or a freak. A freak who’s pretty dumb to fall for the ruse (”Maybe she”ll like cupcakes too!”). Worse, what if the person is proud that they compulsively pay thousands of dollars a year to eat sushi off the belly of a prostitute? You’re not going to tease this out of them with the question, since they’re not guilty about it.

A friend of mine thought “Necrophilia and cupcakes” was a hilarious answer, and that I should have used it. I agree it’s hilarious - that’s why I said it - but I’m rather hesitant to say that to someone whom I’ve never met with no concept of their sense of humor. I mean, a lot of the humor there comes from the fact that my friends know I’m not all that crazy about cupcakes or desserts. (And for those of you out there who don’t know me, I’m also not known to cozy up to the recently deceased) To a stranger, a lot of nuance could very well be lost. The only positive outcome from that joke is if she says “Me too!” and then I know to avoid morgues and cupcakeries so as not to run into this person.

So if you’ve ever asked that question - what the hell did you expect as the answer? And what did you get?

The second person went off the reservation to ask a question of her own devising. Too bad she chose a rather cliche one (I’ve been asked it probably a half dozen times on first dates) - “What would you do if you won a $10M lottery? Would you continue to work?”

Look. I understand that this question is often used as a career choice motivational tool - whatever you end up doing is supposedly what you should aim to do in your life, since that’s what would make you happy. But it’s also a completely irrelevant question. Again - what would you expect the person to say? What insight would it give to their character? “Two chicks at the same time,” as one wise man once said - would that be helpful? Is it to weed out the ridiculously fake cheezits who say “Donate it all to starving children in a 3rd world country” - I mean really? “Spend it all on you?”

Look. If I won $10M, I’d save/invest at least 70% of it. I’d quit my job, travel a lot, and then go find a dream job. I don’t know what that dream job would be. But with all that money, I could take my time to find out. But the question poses a fantasy - are you really looking for a practical answer? I’m assuming not. So I either give the practical answer, or just say “I really don’t know, I guess I’d figure it out if it ever happened.” This may very well be a telling reason why I’m single, of course.

So if you’ve ever asked that question - what did you expect to hear? What would have been a good answer?

Now there’s a (slim) chance I might get on famously with one of these girls - no one is disqualified for asking these questions (though I may be for answering “incorrectly” - these questions have no right answers, not in a “all answers are correct if you support them” way, but more in a “When did you stop beating your wife” sort of way). If that occurs and we live happily ever after, you’d better believe that, as we sit in our rocking hoverchairs with genetically engineered helper monkeys bringing us martian-grown lemonade in 2076, I will ask her - “By the way, when you asked that question - what on earth did you expect to hear?”

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