The Last Lecture

Published July 25th, 2008

Randy Pausch died this morning. Maybe you don’t know who that is - I didn’t. But I’d heard of the last lecture series, and of his Last Lecture talk and book. Basically, The Last Lecture was given by people who imagined that this would be the last talk they ever gave, and what sort of information would they pass on? Randy Pausch had a singular opportunity for his last lecture - he really was dying. He had been given 6 months to live. He gave his talk on September 18, 2007. Today he passed away, July 25, 2008.

This is a long video - I will include it at the end of this post - but if there’s anything worth watching, this is one of those things. It’s really impressive to me the sorts of things special people do, and say. It’s astounding to me the drive people have to achieve their dreams and amazing the things they are a part of. Randy says to live your life correctly, and karma will put the rest in place, and you will achieve your dreams.

For me, this is a very difficult lecture to watch. Randy is a Special Person, who did amazing things and touched the lives of so many. He was a part of something special - many somethings special. He helped others do amazing things - things he had not anticipated or dreamed of himself. If I can respect anyone for anything, I respect that. But all this inspiration is difficult for me, because when people ask “what are your dreams” or “where do you see yourself in 10 years” or even “what would you do with a million dollars” - I have absolutely no good answer. Randy had a list of his childhood dreams, and talks about how he accomplishes them. I have no such list. I don’t know what my dreams are, I don’t know that I have any. I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years - I had no clue I’d be here 10 years ago, but I think if I went back in time to my 1998 self and told him how I was doing, I’d be disappointed. Well, not disappointed, but certainly a little let down and bored. Ten years and I really haven’t done anything big, haven’t done anything special, haven’t been a part of anything amazing. What would I do with a million dollars? Spend half and invest half. Not quite the spirit of the question, now is it.

I have talked in this space about my problems with motivation, my issues with focus lately. This is not because I’m an excessively lazy person. I can focus quite strongly on things I like, or want to do. But the flip side is that I have almost no patience for things that don’t grab ahold of me. And that’s really the biggest problem I think I have right now - I don’t have any real goals. I have no road map, because there are no roads and no destinations. I am wandering aimlessly in the dark. The few goals I have set for myself, if you ask me “why” - I don’t really have a good answer. “Because I have nothing better to do” is about all I can come up with. Not really a ringing endorsement. I have no ambition, because ambition needs a goal, a subject.

Randy talks about how he makes a point to have fun every single day, that he doesn’t know any other way to live. To me, that’s so incredibly foreign I don’t even know how to start to talk about it. It’s been a half-joking but not really joke/criticism of me for a long time that I’m just not that much fun, or I don’t know how to have fun, or that I don’t know what fun is. And really, I accept that. “Fun” for me seems to be very much at odds with what about 99.9% of people consider fun. I can’t explain it - it’s just the way I am. And it’s hard to explain to people that, sometimes, them “helping” me have fun is actually making me extremely uncomfortable. I’m well aware of this problem. I don’t begrudge others their fun. Randy says that we have to decide whether you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore. But it seems to have been decided for me long ago - and everyone I know has noticed this, anyone who hasn’t is lying - that I’m an Eeyore. This isn’t something by choice, it’s just who I am. Eeyore isn’t changing, and neither am I.

So I watch this Last Lecture, and I’m impressed but not inspired. Because what am I supposed to do? I don’t know. I’m so far off whatever road I’m supposed to be on, I can’t even recognize it anymore. I’m living my life as best I can, the best way I can. But I am also aware that it’s not good enough. Not good enough for me. I want something better, something more interesting, something special. But I don’t know what that is or what it could be. I worry I’m too smart to be satisfied with what I have, but not smart enough to figure out or do anything really satisfying. I really hope that in 10 years I don’t feel as aimless and pointless as I feel right now. But I don’t see how anything will change - it won’t happen on it’s own, I know I have to do it myself - I just don’t have any damn clue what to do. And I don’t understand why.

Anyway - for those of you with real hopes and dreams, or who love to be inspired, or who are impressed with special people - watch Randy Pausch speak. It’s very much worth it. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to sit and stare and hope that one day, someday - I’ll find something worth getting Excited over. That’s excited with a capital “E” - I mean the big excited, a goal, a plan…a dream.

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