City of Lost Souls
Published May 12th, 2008San Francisco has become a haunted cityfor me. I think I’ve been scarred forever by it. Not really the city’s fault though.
No matter how many times I come here, no matter how much time passes - there’s simply too much that reminds me of Kyra. And something deep inside me screams in anguish that whenever I’m here, near, I can’t find her. Either denied by time and schedule, or by lack of communication. She’s impossible to get ahold of on short notice (or sometimes at all). Try as I may to make new memories here - and I have - they are never enough to replace or drive away that which haunts me.
San Francisco is an empty city for me. It feels soulless - but I think it’s only because my own is so disturbed when I’m here. I’m visiting on business, but on the advice of friends and sanity, I’ve tried to make room for as much fun as I can. Last night I saw one of my best friends from High School. It was a good time, we just met up to catch up over some beers and appetizers. Driving around I saw things that reminded me of fun times visiting him - and fun times with Kyra.
My hotel room is really nice - but it would be even better with someone. It’s just that kind of room. And the fun things I’ve done - like going to the ball game, or walking around at lunch taking in “The City” - it feels so empty and alone for me right now. This is a city of void for me. I fear that might never change. I don’t think about Kyra all that often anymore - but thoughts of her are inescapable while I’m here. This is her home, her city - and I think will forever be associated with her in my mind - for better or worse.
So all this trip has done is to remind me of how lonely I feel in general lately. Does anyone “get” me? Am I doomed to be alone? Some times I think I may have found someone, but it has yet to make sense or pan out in the end. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just too much of an oddball to ever match up with someone.
I am not the type to enjoy a vacation alone. Turning a boring business trip into a fun vacation has been a noble effort, but ultimately uninspiring. It hasn’t been bad on it’s own merit - it’s just been not so great for me and my psyche. I am lonely. I feel alone. I feel confused. I feel frustration. I feel lost. And San Francisco may be the worst city on earth for me to fight those feelings.
Damn you, San Francisco. Go pick on someone else, I’ve paid my dues. I submit - you win. I am not welcome here.
My comment somehow materialized as I read through your entry the first time: don’t even get me started on me and Budapest. Translation: I think I know what you’re talking about.
Feel you.
you have to let people “get you”. that’s what i have figured out. that being said, there are cities that have the same effect on me. london anyone? eh gads! if i go back there, it will be too soon. yet for some reason i am always drawn to it, like a moth to the bug zapper.
my advice, screw sf! don’t go there unless you “really” have no choice, or save it for your honeymoon!
jennifer juniper