Wilderness…
Published August 29th, 2007On my mind today. Seems like life is an endless search, endlessly tracking treasure down. I dunno. It’s almost September, and as far as the past couple months have gone, there’s been rather significant changes, progress. I’ve achieved, in one way or another, some of the goals I set out to accomplish this year. I’m fairly healthy. I went to the dentist (well, that isn’t so complete - my filling is bothering me, I need to go back to have it looked at). I got my eyes fixed (still healing, but progressing…I can’t wait to up my screen resolutions again). I sorta found someone - a reconciliation with my ex, who is now my ex-ex, I suppose. We’re giving it another shot, a resurrection. I haven’t been able to stop tearing my nails though, a personal failure. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.
So all the major things left for this year, that I have been sitting on specifically, is trading in my car (it’s a lease). But I plan to do that in November or December. So here I sit…lost. All I can see is wilderness. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing at this point. Aimless. I am supposed to be studying to pass the Oracle OCA and OCP exam…but I’ve just got no motivation for it. I don’t know why. Intellectually I want to do it. I just can’t seem to actually do it. I feel very aimless in my job right now, everything is a pain to deal with and there’s just nothing going on. I get so little help, assistance in things I need from other people, and then get blamed for their shortcomings. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m going nowhere here, but there’s been a lot of business changes too, so it could just be that affecting my perception. I’ve (very) recently been contemplating looking elsewhere, but I’m not sure I want to take that step yet. It wouldn’t be until after next year anyway.
So what’s next for me? I don’t know. I don’t understand where my time goes sometimes. I want to play games - Oblivion, GalcivII, Civ4, Tiger Woods….but I swear I can’t find the time. I don’t know why. I can’t keep track of spending time with all the friends I want to. I’m always doing something else lately, or too tired to do anything at all. I can’t keep up the friend-obligations of late. And I notice it, and I’m not happy about it, and it sucks. But I feel completely disorganized and unable to pinpoint where I can organize. I don’t know where I’m going right now, and it’s scary and worrisome.
So I guess I don’t know what else to say about this post. It hasn’t helped me figure out what to do “next” - maybe this is some belated birthday angst. My head is just floating along, rattling…a Mindcircus of sorts, I suppose. What is a 28 year old such as myself supposed to be doing at this point? I don’t know.
i guess this explains why you haven’t called. :o( i would say that it sounds like your saturn is returning. i know you aren’t in to all that “astrology mumbo jumbo” but i think there is something to it. “difficult times lay ahead,” as they say in harry potter. i can tell you more if you are interested. well if you ever do feel like hanging out with a friend again, you know where i am. (at least until i move to portland) i do miss talking to you though!
jennifer
Yeah, I know, I suck.
sorry. There’s bad news a-comin’ for me? I thought you were the one who said I need to be more positive about things!! This is why I’m not.
i was reading in my astrology book and your saturn returns to virgo (where it was when you were born) on sept. 3rd and will be there until oct. 29 2009! basically it will be a time of upheaval for you. i can read the entire thing and give you the gist of it if you would like.
jennifer juniper