Double Edged Sword

Published March 6th, 2007

An odd saying really - I don’t think that double edged swords were inherently more dangerous than single edged. And there are plenty of successful single edged weapons. But, as usual - that’s not what my post is really about. (I’ve noticed I’m very tangential sometimes. Like when…ok just kidding…)

When I used to post on LiveJournal, I treated it very much as such - as a journal. And because I’m what some call a pessimist and what I call a realist (good stuff takes care of itself, bad stuff needs to be fixed), some (many) of those posts were of a rather miserable nature. And for a long time it really did serve as an outlet for my frustrations. I think it helped some - for some reason getting out some very personal feelings on “paper” - but where others could see - was very therapeutic. I don’t know why. Just writing those things down in a journal to be locked up unseen until my death or something wasn’t effective in any way.

Starting cephyn.com I decided not to go that route with this blog. It’s a little too public now. I think LJ was more of the “just-right” amount of publicity for my personal whinging. I don’t even know if all my LJ readers moved here with me. I rather assume more people I don’t know have seen this blog than ever saw my LJ. And I do have a little more fun with the customization features of wordpress and various plug-ins. I’ve been lazy on reviews lately, I do need to catch up. But that’s my own personal failing.

What this all means is that I’ve effectively cut off one of my avenues of catharsis and sel-reflection. I could password protect entries here, but that doesn’t seem quite right either. It feels to me that if I give out the password, I’m obligating people to read a post - and I really don’t feel right doing that in any way. I’m not the “hey-look at me” type, and I’d be shocked if anyone thought I was. I want to be noticed for things I’m proud of, like anyone else, but not because I told someone to look at it.

So I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to go back to posting self-flagellating posts on LJ. I tried posting a couple “not for cephyn.com” items there, and it just felt wrong. Like going back to your elementary school after having graduated from there long, long ago. Familiar and yet entirely not right.

This all sort of comes up because there have been a few things weighing upon me lately, things that I would have posted on the LJ both to have a release and to ask for advice. I don’t feel comfortable doing that here. But now I’m not sure where to turn.

Personal whinging is not what this blog is for, that’s the point - but then again, what IS this blog for then? I don’t even know. I don’t have anything particularly original or salient to say about anything. I am an expert in virtually nothing. I don’t lead an exciting life, I rarely have stories of interest to anyone beyond my immediate circle of acquaintances. I don’t have anything to share or teach others. I am a guru of nothing. And I’m not even a very good writer - technically speaking, I’m pretty good, but I don’t imagine I inspire or speak to anyone the way a real “Writer” would.

This post is somewhat of an experiment in itself - an attempt to stave off writer’s block by just writing. I suppose it somewhat worked, unless you were looking for substance. I seem to have left that part out.

I’ve even lost what I was going to finish with. Oh well. Off to sleep I suppose, to dream perhaps of the substance and quality I so lack while conscious.

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