Published June 30th, 2010
There’s been a bit of a hullabaloo this week about a recent CNN story. It seems that American (and not British, the article was very specific on this) McNuggets, from McDonald’s, contain a chemical called dimethlypolysiloxane. Oh, the horror! Really, what’s the point of thisfaux outrage? The article is quick to point out the supposed danger of this chemical by pointing out that it is also included in - Silly Putty. Oh dear god, McDonald’s is feeding us Silly Putty! And calling it food! And only to us Americans!
Where should I start with the idiocy on this one? First of all - yes, FIRST of all - turn it around. Silly Putty contains a chemical that is also in food! Wait, that’s a GOOD thing. Silly Putty is non-toxic. We WANT it to be non-toxic. We don’t want our kids playing with plutonium, right? So it’s GOOD that Silly Putty contains chemicals safe enough to be in food - right? The American Academy of Family Physicians classifies Silly Putty as a “commonly ingested non-toxic substance.” That’s good. Crayola asserts and is proud of their non-toxic product, Silly Putty. As well they should be - Silly Putty is pretty cool. And has been around a long time. I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard of many Silly Putty-related toxic illnesses or deaths. I’m thinkin’ whatever is in Silly Putty is pretty safe.
Now agreed, that doesn’t mean Silly Putty is good eats. But it’s not harmful. McNuggets are tasty so this dimethlypolysiloxane can’t be all bad. Is this chemical ONLY in Silly Putty and McNuggets? Well…a quick check at Oregon State University’s College of Health and Human Sciences reveals that this chemical is in OTHER foodstuffs as well. It’s true. It’s in gum bases, soft drinks, syrups, soups and has no known toxicity.
OK. So what’s the big deal? Well it’s probably not really a beneficial chemical. It’s not really included as part of the food pyramid (or whatever crazy system the US Govt is pushing these days). But really - if you think that McNuggets are nutritious, healthy food, you’re an idiot to begin with. It’s basically fats and salts with some protein. And it’s flavorful and tasty. But not a whole lot more than that. It’s mostly empty calories. It’s not really something that should be a major part of your diet. If you didn’t realize this - you’re an idiot. If you think there’s some crazy conspiracy to feed you Silly Putty and not to British people - you’re an idiot.
But this part just slays me -
Marion Nestle, a New York University professor and author of “What to Eat,” told CNN that the tertiary butylhydroquinone and dimethylpolysiloxane in theMcNuggets probably pose no health risks. But she added that as a general rule parents shouldn’t feed their children foods with an ingredients you can’t pronounce.Try pronouncing dimethylpolysiloxane…it’s not easy.
Don’t eat things you can’t pronounce? What if I’m really good at - you know - SOUNDING OUT A WORD? Die. Meth. Ill. Pahl. Eee. Sil. Ocks. Ane. Well. I just pronounced it. Maybe incorrectly - but how would I know? I did it! I guess it’s safe. Here’s one - Arsenic. Cyanide. Dirt. Botulism. Well, those were pretty easy. Maybe those are safe? Look - if you need some sort of extra help to tell you that McDonald’s food is NOT a healthy choice, you’re an idiot. If you get upset that there’s a chemical in your food that is in Silly Putty and you’re not asking why Silly Putty isn’t being investigated too, you may not be an idiot but you’re certainly barking up the wrong tree. I don’t understand why ANY of this story is NEWS.
McDonald’s food isn’t that good for you. NOT NEWS. There are chemicals with a myriad of uses that are used in foodstuffs. NOT NEWS. Some chemicals are SO SAFE we use them in children’s toys. NOT NEWS - in fact, that’s a GOOD THING.
Stuff like this drives me crazy. You want to eat healthier? Great! Step 1 - less McDonald’s. There. I just helped you out. And if you didn’t know that avoiding fast food was a good way to eat healthier - then you are an idiot.
Category: Personal, opinion, news | Tags: fast food, stupid news stories| Be the First to Comment »
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Published May 23rd, 2010
This post will be short on details. I’m not here to burden my 7 readers with my problems. I don’t treat this blog as a personal whine blog. And I would only usually delve into my personal problems here unless I have a real good point to make.Tonight, I don’t think I have one. I don’t know that what I’m going through is significant or interesting to anyone. I don’t know that it’s serious enough to merit concern beyond my immediate and very close friends and family. I’m not dying (at least, no faster than any other 30 year old). But I’m pretty miserable.
Not in all aspects of my life, but that’s part of what makes this so hard. My job - though not the most interesting or exciting job, not a job I’m necessarily growing a lot in - is treating me pretty well of late. I’m making significantly more money than last year. A raise in this economy? And job security? Nothing to scoff at, not all. I’m grateful for it. I’m dating a wonderful, intelligent, attractive and special woman. It’s going well. I’m very, very grateful for her and her support. I’m playing kickball on 2 pretty fun teams at the moment. I’m playing very well this year. I indulge in geekiness and table-top games on a semi-regular basis, even started to play some computer games once in a while again - mostly with enjoyment.
So what’s the problem? Health. Starting a few months ago. around the start of the year, a seemingly minor problem started to get very annoying. On top of that, I started suffering from pretty severe fatigue. I went to a doctor. Got a diagnosis. Got a treatment.
And I’ve never been healthy since.
Once the first diagnosis and treatment ended, I felt only marginally better. Another, older problem that was mostly under control began to spiral out of control. Things got worse. Got another diagnosis, another treatment. That helped the fatigue problems. The older problem got worse. The treatment for the fatigue - I started developing a pretty severe allergic reaction to it. I’m almost back at square one. I have an appointment this week to start dealing with the return of the old problem. But I have to call the doctor asap about the fatigue issue, because 2 days off the medication and I’m starting to feel it again.I’ve been fighting, hard, to stay upbeat for months. But there’s been nothing but setbacks along the way. The only successes have been rolled back. And it’s making life pretty tough. Can’t go where I want, when I want - and never without worry about becoming ill. Stress. Stress from projects at work and stress over my health is taking its toll. I’m doing the very, very best I can. But I’m really fraying around the edges right now.
I’m not in danger. Nothing is going to kill me here. It’s mostly just poor quality-of-life problems all piling up. I just want to be healthy, or at least, healthy enough to do things, normal things, like a normal person. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask -but lately it has been. And that’s very frustrating.
So that’s my rant. It’s here for you to read and ignore as you see fit. This is not a post that is a cry for help. So don’t worry, I don’t expect anyone to do anything out of the ordinary. I just needed to vent a little. I’m not really a ‘venter’ by nature. I probably bottle up too much. But I’m just really out of sorts. Feel very alone sometimes. And a little scared, since it’s been months and I’m still not well - I don’t want to feel like this forever.
I’m a normal person with a pretty decent existence that is just a little overburdened and overstressed by some chronic, low-grade but really inconvenient health issues. And I’m tired of it. And I’m cranky about it. And I’m venting.I’m told it’s OK to be a little upset in my situation. I hope so.
Thanks for reading, if you did. Maybe I will post more and more interesting things in the future once I start feeling better. Someday. I have so many things I want to do - and soon - and just haven’t been able to lately. So hopefully, soon, I will be able to do more.
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Published April 13th, 2010
Spent the evening watching episodes 1 and 2 of the 5th season of the new Doctor Who. Shh, don’t tell anyone - episode 1 hasn’t even aired in my country yet. But it has aired, and in a flat world - that means it’s fair game to watch. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Anyway. It’s a shame this series isn’t on the air here. It’s a shame that this great series goes unwatched by so many that might really enjoy it just because its not easily accessible and it looks a little cheesy. It doesn’t have the production values of V or FlashForward or Lost - or most of the sci-fi genre on mainstream tv here. Frankly, that’s part of its charm. Unfortunately, people here are wowed by flash and meh to wonderful plots and great writing. And, flat out fun.
Doctor Who is all about adventure. It’s an adventure show. That’s all you need to know about it. Different worlds. Different times. Different realities. It asks “what if?” a million different ways. It goes out and finds the unknown. It revisits the “known” and shows you a different way it could have happened - as long as you have some imagination left. In the first episode of this new season, his companion says “I grew up.” The Doctor replies with “I’ll be sure to fix that.” That’s the right attitude for so much of life. It’s not about staying immature, it’s about never losing your sense of wonder.
We’ve lost our sense of wonder. Look at this list of the 20 best TV shows of the last 10 years. Now I like a lot of the shows on here. I haven’t seen them all. But they do seem to be good shows. But if you look - none are about adventure, exploration, the unknown. The sci-fi on there is inward-looking, introspective, delving sci-fi. Battlestar is about humans and humanity. Lost is about puzzles and weirdness and an island. An island! The only thing close is Buffy, but Firefly - same creator - covered real exploration and wonder.
We - humans - used to be explorers. We set forth out of Africa to settle new continents. We sailed across endless oceans to find new worlds. We set out across continents to see what was there. We set out to the moon. And then something happened. It started tailing off. We sent out robots to new worlds - but not that many. Why is mars not covered with them? Why is Titan such a mystery? What will we do about Europa? These are the real avenues of exploration left to us - and they’re back burnered. We are an introspective race now. All over the planet, we look inward and not outward. And our entertainment choices reflect this. Our sense of wonder of the unknown has been replaced by the mundane. Entertainment has sunk the most money this year into V and FlashForward - one a remake about aliens coming to US, and one based on a book where we see a short bit of the future. And for most people - it’s an ordinary day in the future. These are things that happened to US as a race. We did nothing to explore this.
Take a look at this list of the 10 best sci-fi tv shows. Doctor Who, Stargate, Farscape, Firefly, X-Files, and Star Trek are ALL about exploration. About seeing what’s out there. About finding out the unknown. X-Files particularly in their “monster of the week” episodes, less so in the main story arc episodes. We always find out where the monster came from, how it came to be, what it’s purpose was. The aliens in the main arc? We never know where they came from, why, or what they wanted. The main arc was the predecessor of shows like Lost. The monster of the week shows were spawned of the tradition of Star Trek. Roddenberry pitched the show as “Wagon Train to the stars” and that’s exactly what it was. A new planet every week. That’s how Stargate works. Farscape was something new every week. Firefly. X-Files. And Doctor Who. The universe is infinite - so let’s go see what’s out there.
That’s the beauty of these shows. And Doctor Who is continuing that tradition right now. The writing is fantastic. The stories are great. I can’t recommend it enough. It is a show about the wonders of the universe. And I hope wonders never cease.
Category: television, science fiction, Personal, opinion | Tags: none| 1 Comment »
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Published April 8th, 2010
what if i never do anything great?
what if i never become who i want to be?
what if i never figure it out, and
what if it’s already too late?
what if i never make a difference?
what if nobody notices i’m gone?
what if no one even noticed i was here?
what if i’m forgotten, or worse
what if i’m purposely unremembered?
what if i missed my chance?
what if my decisions are wrong?
all i ever have are questions,
i never have enough answers.
success is born of failure and effort
but often, still, i don’t know where to apply my effort
making my failures all the more confusing.
i don’t know my niche. i don’t know where i belong.
i don’t know how to find it.
what if i never do?
where can i excel?
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Published February 28th, 2010
Moments. All we know are moments. Sometimes we read something unreal, fiction that touches us. It perfectly captures a moment that resonates with us. All art is about moments. The artist, an emotional documenter, captures a singular moment in word, image, photograph or song. We think in moments. We remember in moments. Think back to a great day in your life. You don’t zone out for 8 hours. You instantly remember the emotion of singular moments, spliced together to tell a story. We perceive reality in an unbroken string of moments - but we live fantasy and remember the past in discrete snapshots of reality.
This is how art imitates life. Not profoundly, but basely. Art is about capturing meaningful moments. The beauty of a song is not measured by how you feel during the song - it is measured by the rise and fall of your heart and by the word “wow” as the last note falls away.
It would be arrogance for me to assume these words have captured a moment, hubris to even entertain the thought that I might have created a moment in you, the reader. And so it might fall silent in your memory, a lost moment, a non-moment. But this moment happened. It meant something to me, if no one else. And so I have become the documenter.
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Published January 31st, 2010
January 31, you have arrived yet again. Feels earlier every year. One of my goals this year was to write more. Sadly, I forgot that I have so, so little to say. So little to write about. But I wanted to get one post a month up here, so here is this one. And it’s not going to be a good one, it’s a cheat to write about how little I have to write about.
I kicked 2009 out the door and gave 2010 a sharp look in the eye and fair shake. So far, 2010 has settled in right where 2009 entrenched itself, firmly wedged up in my face. But 2009 did leave, and there’s signs of a looseness in that impacted socket. Work has moved from uncertain to stressful, annoying but making progress. I’ve managed to get a good, if rushed and incomplete, product out the door - well, figuratively speaking. But I’ve built the beginnings of the system they want, and it does the things it’s supposed to do. And given the time frame on it, that’s a bit of a miracle. My review comes up in 3 short weeks and I’m hoping for some good news, a new title especially. It’s time. I deserve something. I hope they agree.
Everything else? Pretty much the same. I am still on the slog of life that started about 7 months ago now. Still clawing my way out. Still recovering. I don’t think anyone could understand what 2009 did to me…I sure didn’t until only recently. How heavy the weight was of certain relationships. How much it was affecting me. But that’s ok, it’s my fault for not taking better care of myself. I simply wish things hadn’t gone the way they did. Getting over it has been difficult.
I’ve wanted to write something…maybe just for me…I have a *small* idea I’m trying to do something with, but it’s so loose and tenuous that I don’t know…it’s hard to even admit it. I’m afraid it will fly away. Afraid it will turn to dust if I even acknowledge it, like the simple moniker of “idea” will destroy it. I’ve thought about it some…sort of started on it a bit. It’s not right yet though. I hae thought about changing some decisions about it already. But I think it’s something I have to do, I think it’s something I’ll need to force myself to do. Even if it’s crap, even if it’s the worst thing ever committed to digital permanency, I have to do it, because I have to do something.
For far too long in my life I’ve relied on doing nothing when I feared failure and I really, really, really need to get over that. Stop being so safe. Even thinking and admitting that is hard though, because it only makes me regret many of my non-decisions in life even more. Playing it safe is fine, sometimes, but not all the time. I need to drill out the coward part of my brain and fill the void with that thought. And learn better, when in the crucial moment, to take the risk. To be active instead of passive. To avoid regrets of inaction. Because that only guarantees failure. I need to welcome failure on my terms so I can at least say I tried. I don’t think it hurts any less in some cases, but I believe - I have to believe - that it will work out better for me in the long run.
So that’s January. Not exactly a wasted month but still strikingly like the last few. Too much like the last few. With February comes the last of the crummy lonely holidays, or at least crummy when I’m lonely already. Just gotta get through that, get through my review and see what happens next for me. Maybe things will be better come March. And I hope that my February post(s) will not be as crummy as this January post.
Back to reality. Not that I ever left….
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Published December 31st, 2009
I can’t breathe. I’m sucking wind like crazy. Sweat is dripping down my face, I took off my hat to cool off more but that short, fleeting relief is in the past. I look up, ahead and up. The trail continues up, up, up, no leveling out in sight. I’ve got a heavy pack on my back. I’m nowhere near keeping up with anyone else. I’m last on the trail. One hiking buddy is holding back to make sure I make it. And it’s not going to be soon. I can’t see. Tunnel vision. I’m starving. I’m overheating. I have to stop. I’m too old to be doing this, and too young to be failing. This shouldn’t be this hard. It doesn’t seem to be for anyone else. My knees are screaming, my lungs are burning, my head is pounding and I’m in the middle of a trail on a steep hill in a forest miles from anything and nearly two miles up in the air.
I beg to stop. Fuck it, I stop. I stop. I need a break. I need to pretend for a few minutes that I don’t have to keep climbing this stupid hill. I tell my hiking partner I can’t see straight, I’m about to pass out. I get out a CLIF bar to eat. I get some water. This hill is kicking. My. Ass. A 10 year old and his father pass us. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t know how far up this hill still goes. He’s not carrying a heavy weight on his back. He’s not just turned 30 and climbing up a hill with no end in sight.
In the end I made it up the hill. I beat the kid and his dad by about 5 minutes too, so there. But, sitting there on the side of the trail, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it up the hill anytime soon. It took just about everything out of me. The only thing keeping me sane and hopeful was that we were on our way out, and I knew the trail leveled out for a long way after that. I can walk a long way on flat ground. But hills destroy me. That was September, backpacking in Sequoia. I didn’t enjoy the trip as much this year as I did 5 years ago when I went - and I didn’t really enjoy that trip all that much either. I think I’d rather do camping and less backpacking.
This year has really felt like climbing that hill. All year. This has been one of the most prolonged, stressful years I’ve had. No breaks. No leveling out. Always one thing after another. A terrifyingly wonderful and exciting but miserably broken and agonizing relationship for half the year. Job insecurity and uncertainty for most of the year - and given the economy, it really was scary. And just a complete slog for the back half of the year, both personally and professionally. With false signs and unfortunate detours. Much thanks to my close friends and my kickball mates for helping me hold on to some very tenuous threads of sanity. My goals for 2009 were to really grow myself. I have been trying hard all year. I have not succeeded to any level I consider “successful” - damn.
Everyone says I’m too hard on myself, and I agree. I just don’t know how else to be. I have serious problems accepting partial successes. I set my goals high, probably too high, and so everything I accomplish is short of the goal. But I don’t know any other way. And for some reason, I always feel like a partial success is akin to failure. Even though it’s not. I may have grown, I have grown, but I don’t seem to have much in the way of tangible success at this point. Maybe 2010 will provide that. But looking at where I am now as opposed to say, September of 2008 - hard to see much difference at a glance. And that feels a little like failure to me.
So 2009 has been a constant climb. I still don’t see the end in sight, so that makes 2010 a scary year upcoming. I can sorta see some signposts up ahead but I can’t read them yet. I don’t know if they’re saying “flat space ahead” or “caution, steeper grade coming”.
In the end I made it up the hill in the forest. I made it at my own pace, because that’s the only pace I could keep. I made it under my own power, and I felt a little humiliated and a little proud at the same time. I kinda feel that way every day though. I’m 30. I never thought 10 years ago that I’d be who I am today - and the differences both humiliate and excite me. But I have so, so far to go. I need to build on my partial successes and not only see them as partial failures.
I need to learn from some of my friends who impress and amaze me. I need to be more confident in myself and take more risks. I need to stop being afraid of failure - because I fail all the time anyway. I need to be more aggressive in my personal and professional life. I need to not be discouraged. And I need to be able to better control it all, and recognize that I can’t control everything I want. Which is paradoxical.
So. I can’t head downhill, that’s back into a trap and nothingness. I can only head up this steep, brutal, exhaustive hill. I don’t even know where I’m going, and that’s sort of a problem. I need to find some trail markers to follow. I need to be the person I want to be. I need to continue to grow in the direction I want to go even though I’m not sure what that means a lot of the time. Or how to accomplish anything at all.
So welcome a new year, a new decade. The aughts are gone, here come the teens. I don’t know if I’m up for this. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get where I want to go - but I’ll keep going, at my own pace, and I will try to find a level flat space at the top of this hill.
I just really hope it’s soon, because 2009 has been a bear.
Happy New Year, everyone. May 2010 bring you joy, wonder and riches beyond compare.
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Published November 3rd, 2009
Driving up Whitsett again. It’s only been 2 years or so…a year and half since we last spoke - but it seems much, much longer. So much has happened to me since. But I drive past her old apartment, the one I first saw her again after a year apart, the one I helped her move out of…and it all comes back. The exhilaration. Walking her dog up and down this street. The feelings. They are still strong and I miss her.
Yeah. I miss her. I loved her. I miss all the girls, the women now, I’ve loved. It hurts to have lost them. Does that mean I’m not over them? No. It should hurt. There was a vast goodness in them and I loved them for it. If I were able to discard those feelings, to ignore them, if that loss did not hurt - to me that means I probably didn’t love them. The loss of something important, something special, involves pain. For me, deep pain. And that’s OK. That proves to me it’s real. Proves it was real. I don’t want someone who loved me, who said they loved me, to forget about me that easily. Would you? I will miss the people I’ve loved forever. That to me is something about me that is a strength, not a weakness. And if they needed me somehow, even now - I’d be hard pressed to say no. Even if I’m not sure they’d do that for me. Again, that proves to me - it was real. For me.
I can’t speak for them - but I don’t have to, I don’t need to - it was real. For me.
So I drive on, there’s pain there, there’s hurt. There’s nostalgia. There’s wonderment. Someday I hope to find a love that sticks. That lasts. That endures regardless of differences. Maybe I’ve loved people who are flawed - but we’re all flawed. Maybe my flaw is that I couldn’t look past theirs. Maybe their flaws include not looking past mine. I continue to flail in the dark.
Turn the corner, head home, the same way I always have from Whitsett. Now, for different reasons. Tonight was a night of fun, of camaraderie,one of the few things I look forward to these days. It’s a dark night - they all are of late. But there’s two beacons of hope, two shinings in the darkness. One, my friends and the fun we had tonight. Two, the lost love that used to live on this street. One is current and I’m so glad I’ve found it. One is in the past, but that I hope to find again, elsewhere, one day.
These memories are mine. I will feel about them how I feel. It is my opinion that the hurt of the loss is actually a good thing. Don’t try to take it away from me - because I respect that person too much, and those feelings too much. They’re mine, OK? Mine. I don’t need them to be any different than they are.
Good night, everyone.
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Published October 24th, 2009
LE If you’re not failing some of the time, you’re playing it too safe.
Cephyn @LE my problem is failing almost of the time, since i play way, way too safe and never try at all. i break axioms.
JM @LE @cephyn hmm I have never been good at playing it safe. It bores the crap out of me.
LE Agreed. I’d rather be called reckless than boring. RT @JM @cephyn I have never been good at playing it safe. It bores the crap out of me
cephyn @LE @JM I admire and envy you both. cheers.
We were all standing up on a mountain…high up on a wall, staring down and across a deep valley. Thousands of vertical feet of open air lay before us and we could see as far as anyone could see. The distance was line after line of increasingly higher mountain peaks, the last being the Great Western Divide. Many of the highest peaks in the Lower 48 formed our horizon. Sitting up there, looking at the splendor of the world.
What do you do, when staring into a natural chasm? What does anyone do – what have humans done, as long as anyone can remember, when standing on a mountain peak above a valley? They yell. They wait. They listen. Then they hear themselves yelling back, echoing from thousands of feet away. Granite walls all around us, perfect echoing surfaces. So my friends whooped and hollered. They laughed and smiled in wonderment. When else will you have the opportunity to hear an echo from miles away? It is not an opportunity to be missed, right?
And yet, I stood silent. Like I so often do. Why? It made me uncomfortable. Nervous. Anxious. What if someone heard us? We’re in a National Park, that nature is here for us all to enjoy – what if we disturb someone else’s appreciation of nature? What if we ruin someone else’s trip because, in the middle of their solitary nature hike – they hear us yelling down from on high? What if, what if, what if, what if. What if. That’s all that I could think of. So I said nothing. I did nothing. I missed that opportunity.
And that was an opportunity I recognized. Usually I don’t recognize them until long after the critical moment has passed. And many, I’m positive, I never recognize at all. But I can’t prove that.
My friends did the right thing. They indulged. A minute or two of yelling into the ether from the top of the known world wasn’t going to hurt anyone. But it froze me. I freeze all the time, for fear of offending anyone with my actions. I’m worried about ruining their moment. Any moment. Even if I don’t know them – actually, especially if I don’t know them – I don’t want to be annoying or offensive. That fear, of ruining someone else’s day, of making them uncomfortable, paralyzes me.
It’s also an abject fear of being the center of attention. I want badly to blend in and melt away, almost all the time. Subconsciously, at least. I consciously wish I was a much more forceful, magnetic, comfortable and public personality. I admire those personalities. But I am betrayed by my own self-consciousness. To take a risk is to invite notice, to invite scrutiny. That is a scary prospect for me, it is another risk in itself.
But of course, that’s not all it is. I don’t take many risks in any other way either. I guess I’m just a fearful person, sadly. Most people who know me know I’m very reserved. And normally I’m ok with that. It’s who I am. But often – and increasingly so – I’m frustrated by the fact that I don’t choose to be this way, I simply am this way. Because of fear. Because something internal to me is always screaming not to take risks. I’m not sure why – it’s not fear of failure, because by not taking risks I know I fail a million times more frequently than if I did go out on a limb. But I can’t seem to very easily get over that fear.
Trying to fills me with great anxiety and that horrible sinking feeling. Every subconscious part of me fights me whenever I step out of my comfort zones. Strongly. I feel sick. I feel sleepy. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do, where to stand, how to sit, how to BE. I freeze. I panic. I have to leave.
But I do try, in frustratingly and excruciatingly small steps. One at a time. Often, past the moment, whether I actually did anything or not, I’m sweating bullets. I’m overloaded. I feel the need to hide. Just considering certain things puts me in a cold sweat. But I do try. I will continue to try. But it’s slow, and difficult, and hard to identify spontaneously when I’m backing away from something I shouldn’t. And hard to even know how to push myself, because I just don’t possess the tools.
I don’t take risks. I am afraid of risks. But I’m getting nowhere without them. I’m trying. I’m hoping it comes easier someday. Because right now – it’s one of the hardest things I do and when I fail at it (and I do, a lot) I disappoint myself beyond measure.
I do envy those that don’t play it safe. But I don’t know if they realize just how debilitating and terrifying it is for me. I wish I knew a better way to myself, a better way to just BE. I hope to figure it out someday…but for my sake, I hope it’s someday soon.
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Published September 1st, 2009
Sometimes there is just a perfect moment. I never even know it’s happening, I never realize it until the time has long since past, the memory faded away. I don’t ever consciously think of it - and then, something will bring it flooding back and it spurs a feeling of lost contentment so strong that it’s almost painful.
We had been moving her all day. Trip after trip after trip. All that existed in her new apartment was boxes and a mattress. We were so tired - exhausted. We’d been moving the day before too. We faced a choice, one hour before we had to go to her brother’s for dinner - do we make another trip? There was still enough to bring that it seemed like it was never going to get done, but not enough left to make it feel like there was no progress to be made. Or, do we nap. She begged for a nap and I didn’t argue. So we laid down in an empty room with just an hour of quiet to steal a nap. No sounds, from anywhere. Just a phone counting down the hour. It was late in the day and the sun was waning, slanting a bit of light through the window. And we fell fast asleep, on a bare mattress in a silent apartment.
When we awoke, we lay there, silent, having hardly moved - together and still. Not wanting to move. Not wanting to get up and lose the fleeting moment of rest. But we had to, so I got us up and going again.
One hour, most of it asleep, but one hour of perfection with someone I’ve since lost. I don’t know why that particular moment has stuck with me, lodged deep in my heart, now dredged up again by some random association….but it has, and I ache for that that lost feeling. Just that feeling of peace and contentment. I want to go there with someone again - even if I don’t know it at the time. I want to share a moment like that again. This is not the only perfect moment I’ve ever had, it’s just the one that came to me tonight unbidden, unrequested - but not unappreciated.
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